if you’re lucky enough

16 Oct

It seems to me that the past few years have involved an awful lot of “letting go of expectations” and “trusting that things will work out.”

I am not naturally good at either of those things. I like to think that I am a hard worker (except for when it comes to cleaning the house…then I am mostly a failure) and that the result of my hard work is that my expectations match reality and things go well.
But the truth is that there are things in life you can’t control and that’s ok. Even the biggest disasters eventually fade away. Bad choices can be corrected with subsequent choices, and mistakes are very rarely permanent.  So maybe the trials and tribulations of my younger years were all situations out of my control, all put there by some outside force to teach me lessons in letting go.

We bought 123 over 8 years ago. It was going to be our starter house. We planned to have kids there–I had secretly plotted out the nursery and imagined our brood playing in the fenced yard with the cute puppy after eating dinner together in the dining room like the quintessential 60’s family.

And now, years later, countless treatments and years and heartache later, we are leaving 123. No babies. Never did make that nursery. Letting go of the life I had planned.  

And on the one hand, that’s so sad. But on the other, we are about to start another new journey full of who knows what kinds of adventures (hopefully fun water sport ones and not roof caving in ones).  I’m trying not to plan this one out too much…

At final walk through, the other realtor asked if we had kids. There was a time when that stupid question would’ve made me cry. But it’s becoming so easy to just dismissively say no. Don’t get me wrong–it still stings somewhere deep down. But maybe it’s like when you touch a bruise–it hurts and then it’s gone. It doesn’t take much to make a bruise hurt. Sometimes the lightest brush can sting pretty deeply. But then it’s gone again. 

We have had a ton of great memories at 123–chain sawing trees, learning how to make home repairs and improvements, campfires, parties, holidays…8+ years of love and laughter.
I am excited to leave though. To leave behind the expectations of what life was going to be when I was  in my early 20s, barely out of college, newly married, naive in so many ways. 

72 carries with it uncertainty. Everything about this move makes me nervous. But instead of trying to imagine what we will be doing in 2, 5, or even 10 years in the new place, I am trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time, to enjoy life as it comes, and to remember that the bad days always get better. 

And really….if you’re lucky enough to be on the lake, you’re lucky enough.

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