28 Nov

I drafted a really long, sarcastic blog today about being thankful.  It was full of awesome quips about being thankful for things like a doctor who is so hard-working that she calls me an hour before the office actually opens, waking me up (after a very long drive back to Rochester in the middle of the night in a snow storm) to give me some more craptastic news (you’d think she would be running out of this shit by now but apparently not).  It was a pretty good blog in a completely morbid and self-deprecating way, a way that I have become really good at, particularly after 3+ years of this ongoing battle with my body to do what it was “designed by God to do.”


OK I swear I’m going to stop being sarcastic now, even though my witty sarcasm is part of my incredible charm.


I spent the vast majority of today moping around the house.  An hour or two ago, I wandered into the kitchen to supervise Eric’s dish-doing.  And he hugged me, hard, and we stood there while I cried into his shirt until I was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate/suffocate.  Then I resumed my position on the couch with the dog under a blanket watching Walking Dead.  And I kept thinking to myself…what if this is it?  What if there never are babies in this house (that are ours)?  What if it’s the three of us, running and camping and getting through life together…alone.

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars.  If you haven’t read it yet, seriously do it.  It’s unbelievably romantic and heartbreaking and beautiful.  In any event, there’s a quote in the book–something about how the world’s not fair and:


And that’s really too bad because there are a lot of wishes I have (in addition to being World’s Most Kick-Ass Mom someday).  But like the quote says, the world isn’t a wish-granting factory, so we just have to accept the hand we’ve been dealt and move on with our lives, because ultimately life is pretty awesome, whether it works out as we planned/we wanted it to  or not.

Amidst all of this moping and sarcastic-blog-writing and zombies-eating-faces-off TV watching, I realized that I am thankful beyond belief for a myriad of good in my life.  Among the things I am most thankful for, my number one would have to be Eric: I’ve written so many times about how wonderful Eric is and how glad I am to have met a man who values me as a partner and best friend and not just an object that’s below him.  But tonight, as we sit here facing another weekend of shots and uncertainty, I have to count him at the top of the list of my MANY blessings and truly be thankful.

Thankful for a man who believes in me when I can’t believe in me, like when he names the latest dominant follicle (poor little Ollie the Follie) because he knows this is going to be the one, and it’s going to make a great nickname for our someday baby.  [This one’s named Dom for the record.]

Thankful for a man who will hold me through the tears instead of shying away from them.

Thankful for a man who gives me my space, too, letting me curl into a ball on the couch and cry or roll over in bed and lose it, there as a silent presence if I need him, but not forcing me to talk or to look at him or telling me to stop.

Thankful for a man who unflinchingly administers my shots every night and never says a word about my bloated, bruised belly, or me being a baby about needles, or cursing if the shot stings more one night than another (which I KNOW is probably in my head, but I swear to God it happens).

Thankful for a man who goes into the exam room with me now and doesn’t bat an eye when there are people and medical objects “up in my shit” and in fact makes jokes to try to diffuse some of the humiliation and tension (that may or may not just be all in my own crazy head).

Thankful for a man who will hear all of my frustration, all of the terrible things I may say about our situation and other people’s situations and how unfair life is, and not judge me for it, even though I probably should be judged for it.

When I woke up today and stumbled down the stairs to a cautious “good morning” from Eric today, this song started running through my head.  And it’s been there ever since.  Because it’s true.  This life would kill me if I didn’t have him.  And we may not have all of what we want, but together we have all of what we need, and that’s all that really matters.  So what happens if there are never babies in this house?  We will figure it out.  We will make it work.  Because that’s what we do.  And THAT is something to be truly thankful for.

if you haven't read "The Fault in Our Stars," go get yourself a copy and a box of tissues.  Best quote (check my page "52 books" for the rest of the quote because it's super romantical.)

if you haven’t read “The Fault in Our Stars,” go get yourself a copy and a box of tissues. Best quote (check my page “52 books” for the rest of the quote because it’s super romantical.)


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