when life hands you lemons, throw ’em in the backseat and drive cross country…

6 Jun

I feel like I’ve been muddling through this whole week.  I’m here, but not really here.  I am functioning pretty normally–I go to work, I lead runs, I make dinner, I even cleaned the house for a bit this morning.  But all of it feels a little disconnected to me, like I’m having an out-of-body experience, or this is just a dream that I’ll wake up from any minute now.


Monday we went to a “class” on injectibles. It was one of the more uncomfortable moments of this infertility journey, which is really saying something.  We sat in the waiting room (crammed into it) with about 5 other couples (how this is legal with HIPAA laws is beyond me) and listened to another doctor in the practice talk about the pros and cons of injecting hormones to get pregnant via IUI or IVF.  When he pulled the needle out to show us that “it’s really not a big deal and most women just give themselves the shots,” I wanted to puke.  I would make a terrible heroin addict…  When he started talking about selective reduction (the nice way to say abortion: if you end up with too many babies–they apparently test each embryo and tell you things like what kinds of diseases the kid may have and the gender and then you decide which ones to get rid of), I wanted to drop through the floor into another place and time.  Preferably one with a beach and a lot of sunshine.  The chances of this happening are slim, but they have to tell you about it and make sure you understand that if you start shooting up the hormones, you MAY have to someday pick which of your babies live and which die, which is so ironic since the whole reason you are shooting hormones is because you haven’t been able to have any babies.  Who would’ve thought “too many babies” would ever enter my stream of consciousness???  Fabulous.


Tuesday we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound appointment.  It’s never good news when Eric sucks in his breath when he sees the monitor (because as he informed me afterwards he’s seen my innards enough to know what is normal and what is not) or when your doctor tells you, “Well this is unexpected and bad news.”  Then after a long pause and staring at my chart says, “How frustrating” and pulls out her “here are the options” paper to draw it all out for me (we’ve been through this enough at this point that it’s becoming very routine and predictable).


The lingering cysts that I had 3 weeks ago were supposed to go away–no medications meant that they would just disappear and we could do a round of injectibles before leaving for our cross-country adventure (more to come on that in a minute).  Instead, they’ve somehow grown to be bigger than even the size of a normal ovary.  Lovely.  At least I know now why I’ve been so bloaty.  So she gave me three options, two of which involved anesthesia/needles to the lady bits, so I obviously opted for choice one–time and the birth control pill since my hormones are apparently freaking the ef out right now.  I’ve been on the pill before for a couple of weeks to try to do a “hard reset” on my brain–the theory is that it gives a clean slate to work with because all of my hormone levels should come back to normal (or close to it) before we start playing around with them again.


So I’ve been in a kind of daze all week.  I feel like we are farther now from being parents than we were a year ago.  Back then I was excited and optimistic–I would be one of the lucky few who doesn’t experience side effects from the meds, and we would be knocked up within 1 or 2 rounds of oral medication.  Ain’t no thang.  I think about all the time and money we’ve spent so far, and I feel guilty that it’s all been wasted.  I am angry and bitter that we have gone through so much, and there is nothing to show for it.  Meanwhile people who don’t even want kids have them–horrible people who mistreat and abuse their babies.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what life would be like childless, about what point we throw in the towel and say we’re done and just accept the hand that’s been dealt.  I’m trying to find the good in this–more time to be a better wife/friend/sister/daughter/etc, more time to focus on my running, more time to help grow #TrailsRoc, being able to focus more on my students/lessons, not having to shell out money for baby equipment and day care and such…Every night we’re out and about, I remind myself that this would all change if we had kids.  So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, because our lives are really great right now if you take out all this doctor business.  Maybe we should just be content with having what we have, which is all amazingly, beautifully fantastic.  Why do I always have to want more?  And how do I know that “more” is going to be good?  Maybe a kid would just mess all of this up.  And what if we can only have one kid?  I never wanted an only child.  Ever.  But now I feel like we’d be lucky to end up with even one.


So amid all of these crazy thoughts, we’re planning a new adventure:  We’re going to drive across the country.  It seems like good timing, since I’m not pregnant and have to take a little break from all of the medications and doctor appointments anyway.  I’ve never been out west before, and I’ve been dying to go for a couple of years.  The hopeless romantic in me thinks that there could be nothing more perfect than weeks of driving all the way across the country and exploring amazing new places with my husband.  We have never had enough time because 0 SPF falls right smack in the middle of Eric’s month off, and we’ve never been in a place where financially it seemed to make much sense.  This year, though, the stars aligned and Eric has a couple of extra weeks off and we are in a more comfortable spot money-wise.  I am beyond excited–every day I research a little more and find more cool places to check out–beautiful, wild places with amazing trails and lakes and hot springs and scenery.  I’m not sure how we are going to fit in all the things I want to do and see.  I’m working on putting together a tentative itinerary–as of now it looks like we’ll do a day of driving, followed by a day of exploring/hiking/camping all the way out to Oregon, where we’ll spend some more time hanging out and sightseeing, then all the way back home.  All together, it should take us about 3 weeks or so.  3 weeks to spend time with my best friend and our favorite little dog, hiking, swimming, camping and exploring.  We are going to make the most of bad news and have a fabulous summer adventure.  You might want to throw lemons our way, life, but it’s not gonna stop us.


One Response to “when life hands you lemons, throw ’em in the backseat and drive cross country…”

  1. Jen June 9, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    You are such a trooper. I don’t even know how you deal with all that. You are amazing. Infinity of hugs! Your cross country adventure sounds awesome and I hope the 3 of you have a blast! Can’t wait to see pictures and hear stories of your travels!

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