Dear OB/GYN office,
I just got home from spending almost an hour with you. I showed up early, like I always do. I was handed the SAME form I just filled out 2 weeks ago (which was the same one I filled out 2 months before that)–my alcohol and drug habits have not changed in 2 weeks (or 2 months for that matter), although filling this out every month may make me reconsider turning down that second third glass of wine. I am not taking any new medicine since the last time I saw you. I get that you just don’t want me to be annoyed by the wait (because you are inevitably not on time and call me back 5 or 10 minutes after my scheduled appointment), but giving me the same form (that no one looks at anyway, so I have to explain everything again to a nurse later) is a waste of time and paper. Save a tree. Just let me watch Nat Geo while I impatiently wait.
Next, please don’t call me back if you’re just going to let me sit in a room for a half hour waiting to see the doctor. If she’s running behind, just tell me when I check in that it’s going to be a bit. Maybe you could get some iPads or something for us to play around on while we wait. I am not a good “waiter.”
Off topic, but what are your floors made of? They are all swirly rock-looking-marble-looking something or other. All I can think is how I bet they’re filthy (I wish I had on white socks so I could test out my theory)–you’d never know with all the different swirly colors. I would love to know because my kitchen floor is ALWAYS dirty and shows everything because it’s light colored. Perhaps a switch to the OB/GYN floor style would allow me to be less self conscious every time someone comes over because my floor looks filthy even though I just mopped it a couple of days ago…
Most importantly, I think it would be really beneficial for OB/GYN offices to have special exam rooms for women who are experiencing infertility. I’m just saying that sitting in a room waiting for a doctor to come and discuss options and next steps for 30 minutes while alternately staring at parenting magazines and pictures of babies delivered by these doctors is wrist-slittingly depressing. (I did find the birth control brochures, though, so that was fun for a minute.) I mean seriously it is a beautiful fall day, I went in thinking about a run with my dog and a healthy chicken wrap for lunch, and I came out thinking about sitting in bed with the shades drawn and a bowl of ice cream and a bottle of wine. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t had 30 minutes to sit and analyze every beautiful little wrinkle on every beautiful little newborn, every adorable first-day-of-school outfit, every proud daddy holding up his newborn baby next to his wife in their scrubs and hairnets looking a beautiful mess. So true story, I’m thinking the magazines in this special room could be changed out to be things about fashion and beauty and travel and women changing the world through their businesses and creative ideas. Maybe hang some pictures of beaches and clubs/parties on the walls. In place of the birth control fliers, hand out fliers with coupons for various alcoholic beverages. Shoot you could even offer me a mixed drink when I come in–I’m paying you a ton of money anyway and I’m shockingly as un-pregnant as it gets. I could look at my co-pay as a cover charge. And the booze would relax me, because let’s face it–I’m a bundle of nerves going in there. I’m just saying this would make my whole experience better. Ya know. Being that I’m there every month these days.
Thanks for your consideration,
Shme
**Disclaimer: I’m not really that depressed and I am obviously not drinking wine or this post would be much less coherent. And I wouldn’t be using words like coherent. So don’t worry about me. Unless you can control the last paragraph of this post, in which case worry enough that you make my suggested changes. 🙂
shmeruns 
Yes! I wish my OBGYN office had all the changes you suggest. You have to fill out the same forms every time, then they ask you the exact same questions in person anyways. Also, anytime I’ve been to your house it has always looked super clean and I wondered what your secret was. Lately my floors seem to be perpetually covered in dog hair and running dirt. I try to tell myself that sometimes awesomeness is messy and a little dirt is just the evidence of a life well-lived, but I still wish I had a self-cleaning floor.
Our kitchen floor is never clean. My mother in law got us this shark steam mop thing, though, and it’s cleaner now than it ever has been. But there are always still mud streaks from picasso and other random crap on the floor. It’s a losing battle that I most of the time don’t care enough to fight. hahaha. Your house is always immaculate, too, for the record!
aaahhh yessss…other items to include in the room: music (other than baby mozart), magazines with coupons for things that are helpful like lube, pills or SOMETHING other than the breast-pump, diapers and formula ones I always see. I think OBGYN offices should just not be catered to one topic/issue in general. Women can be visiting this office for any number of reasons- cancer, std, menopause, the list goes on and on …or maybe you just don’t want to have babies or be targeted with motherhood-marketing every direction you look but the ceiling. These offices and especially their clients would all benefit from a little more consideration. UGH sorry to rant on your rant…clearly I needed this. Thanks for providing a space and hang in there friend. Your posts inform/encourage/provoke more people than you probably know
yeah as I was writing I was thinking about that. If you’re a menopausal woman or someone who doesn’t want kids (or just not yet, which was my sister’s point), it’s got to be just as frustrating. This would make a fabulous women’s studies research topic–the ways that the gyno reinforces society’s expectations of women to be the mothers. Thanks for the comment!
Just so you know, Aunt Lisa and Uncle Marty love you!!!! Thats all!!! Just wanted to say that.
I’ll bet Uncle Marty especially loves posts about the gyno. hahaha. Love you, too.