Archive | October, 2013

there’s never a “good time”

31 Oct

When we first decided to start trying to have a family 3 years ago, I worried if it was “the right time.”  Everyone was quick to say how “there’s never a right time,” and that you just make things work out when you have a baby.

 

3 years later, that quote has taken on a very different meaning.  I would say there is still “no good time” to be trying.  Today is Halloween. For 3 years, we’ve passed out candy to adorable little kids all night long, dreaming of the day when we would be out with our own little pumpkins.  And I just can’t do it again this year.   So we’re going for a nighttime trail run instead.  We can get through this “holiday,” then I can get mentally prepared for yet another potentially un-pregnant Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years…

 

When/IF my doctor calls me back today, I am going to tell her off.  Hop me up on hormones, send me for apparently useless but emotional tests, and then don’t call me back for over 2 days.  And then see what happens.  All they care about is collecting the insurance money/copays for various tests/visits.  Our medical system in this country is a joke.

 

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Taken from: http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/p/about-infertile-editors.html

Random positive thought of the day:  Every day is (theoretically) one day closer to a baby for us…

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Disappointed yet satisfied…

26 Oct

I could write 101 reasons why I should’ve run slower than I did this morning.  In reflecting on my training (or more likely, lack thereof) and my race today, I have decided that it’s really more of a miracle that I didn’t run slower than a disappointment that I didn’t run faster.   So here it is.  My abbreviated list of reasons why I shouldn’t have run as fast as I did today.

1.  I have been less than consistent with my running these days.  Other things are coming up, namely work stuff, and I let it take me away from my plan.  I was running between 15 and 20 miles a week, mostly closer to 15.  I ran some of the speedwork (800 repeats? check!), but not all of it.  In recapping with Eric today, he pointed out that my last .1 is always slow (bc I’m going to puke, or so I think).  I don’t ever do long speedwork.  I do repeats, but nothing to get me running fast for distance.  This is a flaw in my training that I need to fix (if I want to improve anyway).

2.  I also have not run a race in almost 5 months.  I have not run a 5k in a year.  I have not raced much at all.  I felt all out of sorts yesterday and today.  I had no rituals or routines to follow.  It was like I was a newbie runner again or something.  Silly.  But true.  I gotta nail down a pre-race routine better.

3.  After the race, I realized this is the first time in a long time that I haven’t stopped during a run at some point.  Our group trail runs all involve stopping to regroup.  We might run 5 miles, but stop 4-5 times (not for long or anything, but still a stop).  I realized this when talking to a fellow trail runner at the race who said he likes trails better bc of the option to stop.  Haha.  They’re just different beasts–trails versus roads–and my miles are primarily on trails, which is fine.  But if I want to run well on roads, I need to practice that at least SOMETIMES.

4.  It was pretty windy this morning.  I didn’t really notice it until the last mile or so…the last quarter mile or so, it was really bad.  It’s no excuse, I suppose.  If I were stronger, I would’ve been fine.  What’s worth noting is that in the past, my asthma would’ve been a huge issue in the wind.  The wind straight in my face would’ve had me gasping for breath and puffing away on my inhaler.  There was a brief moment where I thought I might have to stop and use my inhaler, but I decided to keep going, and it passed (til the finish anyway).  I am going to chalk this up to apple cider vinegar.  I was trying to use the real stuff, but it tastes awful.  So I switched to some pills Eric found, and I swear they are helping.  I finished the first bottle and didn’t take any for a few weeks (because I didn’t want to spend the money on them when I was unemployed) and noticed my symptoms seemed to get worse.  We bought new ones, and bam.  I feel mostly good on my runs again…

5.  I realized around mile 1.5ish and again at 2.5ish that I was just kind of cruising.  It wasn’t really an “easy” pace by any means, but I was also not in any major discomfort.  Both times, when I looked at my Garmin, I realized I was running an 8:05 pace.  The good news is that an 8:05 on the road is now a comfortably difficult pace.  The bad news is that both times, I told myself to pick it up, but then went right back to cruising without thinking about it.  I knew I needed to run faster.  I knew I could push more.  But for some reason, my mind wandered and my body just slowed it down to 8 min miles.  Strange lack of focus.

6.  And perhaps the most important one:  I have PRed on every single race I’ve run since I started running, which was in ’08 or ’09.  I forget which.  The important thing is that I have had a loooong streak of PRs.  And eventually, I knew that was going to end.   Partly bc of the length but more bc of the fact that I am getting faster.  It’s not easy to get faster the faster you get.  When I look back and think of that first, very slow 5k, I am so happy with today.  If you’d have told me then that in 5 years (or so), I’d be running a 24 minute 5k, I’d have laughed at you.  So if the streak had to end, I’m glad it ended with a 10 second slower race.  At least it wasn’t a HUGE slip.  And really, 10 seconds COULD be attributed to the wind.  So truly, I probably COULD have PRed today on a better day weather-wise…

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed with my results from today.  But I want to instead focus on the positives.  I ran hard and felt mostly good (and even borderline comfortable).  I have more in me.  I know I have more in me.  I finished 93 out of 554 runners.  For the first time ever, I was on the second page of race results!!!  SECOND PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!  I was 5th in my age group.  I’m sad about this, but I am so close now to being in the top 3.  SO close.

So right now, my focus becomes maintenance runs through the winter and through a *hopefully* healthy pregnancy.  When I come back to race again, I want to train hard.  Today, on the way home, I realized how close I am to being uber fast.  If I could run a 22:XX 5k, I would almost definitely place in my age group.  And that is only 2 minutes away–2 minutes away from a girl who does almost no training.  Game. On.

clever title here

19 Oct

This morning I took Picasso to Durand for a nice, slow, long run.  I didn’t want to go, not gonna lie.  I got a much later start than I like (it was almost 9) because I had to go to Wegmans this morning first.  But I went.  And I’m glad.  Because:

 

1.  As we were cruising through the trails, which were mostly covered in leaves and a little tricky in some spots to find (thank God I run there all the time and know them pretty much like the back of my hand), I had a bizarre thought.  I have no idea where it came from/why, but I just randomly started thinking about how if I were going to die, I would want it to be on a fall day like this.  I would want to have spent the day out running around on trails, being outside, seeing the beautiful world one last time.  And it seems super morbid now, but when I thought it, it was not morbid at all.  More just peaceful and content.  Like this is what I was supposed to be doing.  I was 100% in the moment and at peace.  And it was fabulous.

 

2.  On my way home, I saw not one but two old couples who made my whole day.  The first couple were walking on the road in the park, and they were holding hands.  She had her big church hat on, he was carrying a little brimmed hat in his hands.  And it made me so happy.  And then lo and behold, there’s another couple walking on the sidewalk up in Irondequoit–her in her babushka, him in his suspenders.  And again, I was just so happy.  Old people in love are adorable.  Thank you, old people, for making my day.

 

3.  As I was driving, thinking about how much I loved this morning’s trail excursion, my mind wandered back to the reality of the lesson plans and SLOs that I need to finish up this weekend.  And instead of getting stressed and upset, I just started thinking about how I need to start looking at work as just a job.  Would it be nice to be passionate about what I do?  Sure. (And to be fair, I’d say I am.)  Would it be nice to work with people who do their jobs, so that I could do mine?  Of course.  Would it be really cool to feel appreciated?  You betcha.  But if that stuff’s not gonna happen, then I need to just deal.  It’s a means to an end.  I go to work so I can have money to do things I want to do, like buy new shoes and running clothes so I can play in the woods at night and on the weekends.  Not many people I know truly love their jobs, so why should I think I will ever love mine?  It’s just not realistic.  Time to stop comparing my life to my ideal life.  Not that I should stop striving for better.  Just that I need to be realistic about what I can expect…

 

Anyway, time to prep dinner for tonight, then clean up, then off to a cycle race before Eric’s parents get here.  Busy busy. 

negative self talk

17 Oct

I am a negative self-talker.

I read a quote one time about how you should never say anything about yourself that you wouldn’t say about another person (to their face).  It hit home.  Because I am the queen of talking myself down and making myself feel bad or worse.  I do it about everything–how I look, how I eat, how the house looks (cleanliness-wise…not like material possession-wise), what kind of friend/wife/sister/daughter/in-law/runner/teacher I am.  If there is a perceived flaw there, I will pick at it.  I will obsess over it.   I’ve done it my whole life.

Tonight I started doing it on my run.  I was supposed to run 4 800 repeats.  I decided to take the dog (to pull me along–mush!) and head to the canal (hello beautiful flat land!).  I did a half mile warm up, but then got antsy.  So I took off.  I did my first 800 in a 7:20 pace (I think–I only checked my Garmin a few times–I was too focused on the task at hand to keep looking, and the new one doesn’t do laps like the old one did, which is a major flaw in my eyes).  Into the wind.  The entire time, with my heart pounding out of control and my breathing getting out of control, all I could think about were the negatives–how bad it felt, how I must look like a crazy person, how I should be going faster, how I wasn’t even moving that fast, so why did I feel so lousy.  I finished the repeat and started jogging slowly to recover.  I did a quarter mile (ish) recovery jog, then took off again (into the wind, even though I was going the other direction).  The second 800 went no better–speed-wise it was fine, but mentally, it was a disaster again.  I finished it and actually stopped running.  I stood there, hands on my knees (hands on yer knees, hands on yer knees…cha cha slide anyone?).  Maybe if you weren’t so lazy…maybe if you weren’t so fat…maybe if you were training harder all around….the negative thoughts just swirled around and around in my head.

So finally I decided to skip the 2 last 800s and just run.  What was the point of running hard and being miserable and thinking horrible things about myself?  Picasso and I cruised down the canal a bit farther.  We stopped so he could go for a swim.  We kept running.  We stopped so he could sniff out some ducks.  We kept running.  We stopped so he could watch a guy fishing.  We kept running.  I got back to the car and immediately started second guessing myself and the run and thinking that I should go back out and finish my repeats.

And then I got pissed.  STOP.  I need to stop.  Stop focusing on the bad parts of the run and start focusing on the good.  I did 2 repeats fast.  I stopped thinking for the rest of the run and just RAN.  Picasso was happy as can be–swimming, fast running, sniffing animals out, just being outside with me.  The rain had stopped as I got out of my car, and I got to run on a beautiful, sunny fall day.

In less than 2 weeks, I run my first 5k in a year.  I have NO idea what to expect.  This is where I was a year ago, and it went well.  So I’m going to hedge my bets and just hope it goes well, and if nothing else, that I have a ton of fun.  And don’t puke at the end.  Not puking seems like a worthwhile goal for my races.

I know I have to get the negative self talk in check–in running and in life in general.   I’m trying to be much more aware of it, and also of the self-deprecating remarks that I can sometimes make.  It’s a work in progress–and as I type that, I realize that it is, in my own little way, negative self-talk.  But I guess if I know it’s something I should fix, then I can start to take the steps to fix it.  So here’s to less negative self-talk.  And a fun (and hopefully fast) 5k in a couple of weeks! 🙂

 

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planning

14 Oct

I am a big time planner.  I’ve talked about it before.  I’d say it’s one of my biggest strengths (and conversely one of my biggest weaknesses because I have a hard time accepting that there are some things that I just can’t plan for, no matter how hard I work/try). 

 

This weekend, we RD-ed our third race (Dash for Dasher, 0 SPF, and now Ready, Set, Glow).  There were things that went well and things I’d like to change for next time around.  We have a binder for each #TrailsRoc race, and I’ve already made my list of “what to do differently” for the next race AND for next year’s RSG.  There were a lot of smiles, a lot of happy people, and a lot of laughter yesterday, and that makes me feel good.  Knowing that we had a hand in making some people happy last night is a great feeling.  I am a big time people pleaser (again, a strength and a weakness), so last night was filled with a lot of warm fuzzies for me.

 

Even with the perceived (by me anyway) chaos of last night, with all of the hours of work that went into putting on the event in the months and especially day of the race, I had fun.  It was like play for me in a lot of ways.  Sometimes #TrailsRoc feels like a job, but more often it feels like fun.  I love the people I’ve met who are now part of my Rochester family.  I love the trails I’ve discovered (today, taking my family on a hike to the bottom of the waterfall at Seneca, I realized that without trail running, we never would’ve known it existed, and I was so happy).  I like organizing.  I like thinking of what would make an event more fun.  I like researching ideas.  I like taking the good things I’ve seen/heard of and putting them all together.  I genuinely enjoy planning our races.  I’m not going to lie–0 SPF had me livid on more than one occasion, and I swore never again.  But seeing how the race went on the day-of made it all worth it.  It brought me back to all of the event planning I did in high school, back when I was a volunteer machine.  I vollied with Girl Scouts, I worked with ECMC to collect stuff for AIDS patients, I was a counselor at a leadership/wellness camp, I worked with the United Way on several projects…if I wasn’t at practice for whichever season’s sport I was doing, I was at a meeting to plan some cool event/help out with some cool event.  And it was amazing.  And I’d forgotten how amazing it was until all this RD stuff started up.  Now, every race is like a smack in the head that this is what I love to do.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do if money were no object.  Teaching is not it, I don’t think.  Don’t get me wrong–I love my kids and when I am with them, helping them to learn, giving them the tools they need to learn to read or to write or especially to reason and think for themselves, it is what I want for myself.  But the way education is shifting and changing, the paperwork, the bullshit “stuff” I have to do when I’m not working with kids (which is more and more all the time, which means less and less quality educational time with the kids themselves), the more convinced I am that I do not want to stay in education.  It’s stressful, it’s difficult, and it seems like an uphill battle.  Like no matter how much progress I make, no matter how many steps forward, there’s always something pushing me backward.  Everyone keeps saying the pendulum will swing back, but I’m not so sure, and I don’t know how long I can wait before I decide it’s not worth it, and my time and talents would be better used elsewhere…it’s tough because when I think about leaving education, I feel like I’m quitting on these kids.  I feel guilty, and I start to hate myself for wishing for something “easier” or “less stressful.”  They’re my babies–I see my siblings in them, I see my hopefully future children, and I think about what kind of person I want working with them.  And that makes it hard to think about leaving.  But I also have to be happy and feel fulfilled by my work, and lately, I’m just not sure education is doing it for me. 

 

So if money were no object, if I could just spend my days doing what I wanted, when I wanted, what would I do? I know I would volunteer my time in a school–I love working with kids and can’t imagine NOT teaching in some capacity.  But I would also really love to plan events.  I wish there was a way to make event planning a career.  If my only job was to organize events/races, if that was where all of my focus could be, imagine how amazing they would be!  Sooooo let me know if you have any ideas for a job that involves event planning, because I’d be interested! 

 

In the meantime, we move on to 0 Degree Winter Trail Festival, aka WTF, which will be a family-friendly affair.  Already looking forward to developing my ideas/plans for this one!!!!

Dear OB/GYN office…

9 Oct

Dear OB/GYN office,

 

I just got home from spending almost an hour with you.  I showed up early, like I always do.  I was handed the SAME form I just filled out 2 weeks ago (which was the same one I filled out 2 months before that)–my alcohol and drug habits have not changed in 2 weeks (or 2 months for that matter), although filling this out every month may make me reconsider turning down that second third glass of wine.  I am not taking any new medicine since the last time I saw you.  I get that you just don’t want me to be annoyed by the wait (because you are inevitably not on time and call me back 5 or 10 minutes after my scheduled appointment), but giving me the same form (that no one looks at anyway, so I have to explain everything again to a nurse later) is a waste of time and paper.  Save a tree.  Just let me watch Nat Geo while I impatiently wait.

 

Next, please don’t call me back if you’re just going to let me sit in a room for a half hour waiting to see the doctor.  If she’s running behind, just tell me when I check in that it’s going to be a bit.   Maybe you could get some iPads or something for us to play around on while we wait.  I am not a good “waiter.”

 

Off topic, but what are your floors made of?  They are all swirly rock-looking-marble-looking something or other.  All I can think is how I bet they’re filthy (I wish I had on white socks so I could test out my theory)–you’d never know with all the different swirly colors.  I would love to know because my kitchen floor is ALWAYS dirty and shows everything because it’s light colored.  Perhaps a switch to the OB/GYN floor style would allow me to be less self conscious every time someone comes over because my floor looks filthy even though I just mopped it a couple of days ago… 

 

Most importantly, I think it would be really beneficial for OB/GYN offices to have special exam rooms for women who are experiencing infertility.  I’m just saying that sitting in a room waiting for a doctor to come and discuss options and next steps for 30 minutes while alternately staring at parenting magazines and pictures of babies delivered by these doctors is wrist-slittingly depressing.  (I did find the birth control brochures, though, so that was fun for a minute.)  I mean seriously it is a beautiful fall day, I went in thinking about a run with my dog and a healthy chicken wrap for lunch, and I came out thinking about sitting in bed with the shades drawn and a bowl of ice cream and a bottle of wine.  It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t had 30 minutes to sit and analyze every beautiful little wrinkle on every beautiful little newborn, every adorable first-day-of-school outfit, every proud daddy holding up his newborn baby next to his wife in their scrubs and hairnets looking a beautiful mess.   So true story, I’m thinking the magazines in this special room could be changed out to be things about fashion and beauty and travel and women changing the world through their businesses and creative ideas.  Maybe hang some pictures of beaches and clubs/parties on the walls.  In place of the birth control fliers, hand out fliers with coupons for various alcoholic beverages.  Shoot you could even offer me a mixed drink when I come in–I’m paying you a ton of money anyway and I’m shockingly as un-pregnant as it gets.  I could look at my co-pay as a cover charge.  And the booze would relax me, because let’s face it–I’m a bundle of nerves going in there.  I’m just saying this would make my whole experience better.  Ya know.  Being that I’m there every month these days.

 

Thanks for your consideration,

Shme 

**Disclaimer: I’m not really that depressed and I am obviously not drinking wine or this post would be much less coherent.  And I wouldn’t be using words like coherent.  So don’t worry about me.  Unless you can control the last paragraph of this post, in which case worry enough that you make my suggested changes.  🙂