the what if game

27 Sep

I am a horrible control freak.  As I get older, I become more and more aware of when I am “doing it.”   For example, today I walked into a fourth grade room where there was a sub and I took over.  I felt bad, but the kids were doing whatever they wanted.  Their teacher would kill them if she knew.  I couldn’t take it.  I stopped them and got it back in check, and we had a good end of class. 


In any event, I like to be in control of things.  I am not good at foregoing control, I am not good at being “not good” at things, and I am not good at not knowing.  I know these things about myself, and I try to work on them.  I think I’ve become SUPER flexible in the past couple of years–I don’t like confrontation anyway, so I can roll with it.  BUT just because I’m going with the flow doesn’t mean I like it.  It doesn’t mean that I am not always thinking about how much I dislike going with it without knowing what “it” is until the last minute…


On top of that, I have a pretty lively imagination. I attribute that to years of reading.  As a kid, my nose was always buried in a book.  I would walk around the house, reading while I walked.  I wish I were kidding.  I am a HUGE nerd.  When I wanted to know something, I’d read about it.  I remember reading my mom’s medical books back in the day–I would’ve been a teenager.  I was fascinated.  I kept a notebook of words I didn’t know and looked up in the dictionary on my own.  Did I mention I’m a nerd?


So being out of control COUPLED WITH not knowing (and not really being able to know) kills me.  And then I play what if games.   And it’s not good.  What if never goes well.  Because there are infinite permutations of the possibilities, and so rather than assuage my fears of what MIGHT happen, it just creates more anxiety over all of the possibilities. 


When I catch myself playing “what if,” I try to stop.  But sometimes I can’t.  And it’s no good. 


I keep finding myself trying to plan out my life.  You can’t plan your life out.  Life just happens.  I need to stop trying to make things fit into my plans and learn to just roll with it.  I need to stop worrying.  I need to stop caring about things I can’t control.  And to just be OK with the way things happen on their own…


It would be so cool to have one day where I just let go of it all.  Let someone else be in charge of everything.  Plan my life out.  And for me to be ok with that, and to trust that it was going to be ok.  That even though I didn’t know what was going to happen, that everything would be fine.  It always is.  You’d think I’d learn that when I don’t “know,” it always works out anyway.  But my brain can’t stop.  *sigh*


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