this is good enough

1 Aug

Cause when I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things


This song has been in my head for a couple of days now. 


Monday morning, I woke up with every intention of taking a pregnancy test, discovering I was finally knocked up, and running upstairs to wake eric with the good news (I even have a plan of how I’ll do it).  I tested and lo and behold…1 line not 2.  Another failed test.  Another failure.  Insider trading tip: start investing in pregnancy test companies…eric and sheila are trying to get knocked up again.


I dejectedly went back to bed.  I spent the day mostly moping around.  Thinking about how depressed I was.


But then I started to look around at my life.  And think this is good enough.  Hence the song lyrics.  Maybe this is all it will ever be…maybe there will never be children in our future.  Maybe we’re destined to be 3: Eric, Picasso and I, taking on the world together.  Would that be so bad?  We have an awful lot of fun together.  Things are really good.  Maybe this is all we need–having a baby would just mess all of that up.


Most of the time, I can reconcile that.  I can make a childless future work for us–more time to train, to race, to hang with friends, to do our stuff…


But then I see a family with kids.  And I get horribly depressed again.  Because that’s what I want–the picture perfect little family.  Throughout high school and college, I’d pictured myself having a big family–4 or 5 adorable little mini-mes, running around and playing together and making everyone love them, most especially me.  Now I don’t even know if we’ll have 1, much less more than 1.  *sigh*


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