rambling

26 Jun

I don’t know why I expect my drs to know who I am or what I want or need.  Maybe it’s the form they make me fill out every time that asks “what are you here for?”  “infertility/clomid,” I wrote today.  I should write something funny next time–“crayon up the nose” or “fuck you” to see what would happen…

 

I don’t know why I was hurt when the nurse who brought me back acted like I was crazy when I asked her to test me for pregnancy bc I still hadn’t had a period, but I could’ve started it 2 days ago and still hadn’t.  So she should test “just in case.”  Like it was an inconvenience to dip a little paper strip into my pee and see what color came up, even though we both knew it would be a big fat NO.

 

I don’t know why it bothered me when the good dr walked in and said “so we’re just going to stay on the pill, right?”  and I said, “well no.  I wrote that on the intake form.”  and then there was a weird silence (probably in my head), and then me stammering on and on about how I was ready to try again, WE were ready to try again, I was finally accepting that they were going to have to seriously fuck with my hormones in order to POSSIBLY get me pregnant.  I was accepting that it’s not a husband and a wife that make a baby–it’s a husband, a wife, a dr, an ultrasound technician, and some drugs that make a baby.

 

i don’t know why it bothered me when the dr told me that she had decided that i may as well go for an hsg.  oh.  you want to blow open my fallopian tubes with some dye that you will inject into me and then force up into and through my reproductive system while watching on a computer screen to see if it will even “be worth it” to give me hormones to force my body to do something that it should just be doing on its own?  oh.  I have to go to the hospital to have it done? it’s not even done here, in this office where i’ve had some other stuff done now, and am finally starting to feel kind of comfortable with?  oh.  does it hurt? yes? probably? just really bad cramping? oh fabulous.  I will make sure to schedule that for summer vacation.  with a new doctor who i don’t know.  why not have one more person all up in my shit? 

 

All I knew was that I had to get out of there.  Stat.  I got dressed SLOWLY.  I reluctantly picked up the forms for blood work and the hospital test.  I looked at them, thinking that this is how some of my students feel when i give them things written in Spanish and they don’t know what it means.  A foreign language of words and acronyms that I don’t know, but that I am terrified that I am going to learn about real quickly.  The dr was in the hall outside of my room, finishing up some stuff on a computer.  I hurried by to avoid further conversation. 

 

I checked out quick.  “Have a great summer,” the secretary happily chirped at me.  “Oh I’ll probably be in again before the summer is over,” I thought wryly to myself.  Rushing through the waiting room.  My eyes were burning.  I was crying before i hit the hot, humid air.  Do not do this before you are in your car.  Collapsing into the car, tears streaming down my face, sitting with my head back, thoughts whirling, what if, what if, what if.  Realizing people might see me, this is a busy lot, the windows to the building are right in front of me, I wonder where those windows even go….The drive home, wiping tears from my eyes, trying to get myself composed, pulling in the driveway dry-eyed and resolved to tell Eric what was in store for us, hurry and get ready to go run, to get on with my life, to pretend like this isn’t happening, even if it’s just one night of normalcy, of nothing being wrong with me.  Yes.  A run will make it better.  But then hearing Eric, asking me what’s up from another room, and not even being able to answer, just crying and rushing to let him hold me, not even sure why I am this upset because I knew.  I knew all along that this is where it was headed. 

 

I don’t know why I am so upset about this.  I knew.  But maybe I didn’t accept it and now I have to.  Let the uncomfortable tests and infertility treatments start.

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One Response to “rambling”

  1. Jen June 28, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    I’m sorry you had to go through that – your doctors don’t sound very compassionate. I wish I knew the right things to say but I am sending you a lot of hugs. No matter what happens you are strong and tough and all-around awesome.

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