Archive | June, 2013

rambling

26 Jun

I don’t know why I expect my drs to know who I am or what I want or need.  Maybe it’s the form they make me fill out every time that asks “what are you here for?”  “infertility/clomid,” I wrote today.  I should write something funny next time–“crayon up the nose” or “fuck you” to see what would happen…

 

I don’t know why I was hurt when the nurse who brought me back acted like I was crazy when I asked her to test me for pregnancy bc I still hadn’t had a period, but I could’ve started it 2 days ago and still hadn’t.  So she should test “just in case.”  Like it was an inconvenience to dip a little paper strip into my pee and see what color came up, even though we both knew it would be a big fat NO.

 

I don’t know why it bothered me when the good dr walked in and said “so we’re just going to stay on the pill, right?”  and I said, “well no.  I wrote that on the intake form.”  and then there was a weird silence (probably in my head), and then me stammering on and on about how I was ready to try again, WE were ready to try again, I was finally accepting that they were going to have to seriously fuck with my hormones in order to POSSIBLY get me pregnant.  I was accepting that it’s not a husband and a wife that make a baby–it’s a husband, a wife, a dr, an ultrasound technician, and some drugs that make a baby.

 

i don’t know why it bothered me when the dr told me that she had decided that i may as well go for an hsg.  oh.  you want to blow open my fallopian tubes with some dye that you will inject into me and then force up into and through my reproductive system while watching on a computer screen to see if it will even “be worth it” to give me hormones to force my body to do something that it should just be doing on its own?  oh.  I have to go to the hospital to have it done? it’s not even done here, in this office where i’ve had some other stuff done now, and am finally starting to feel kind of comfortable with?  oh.  does it hurt? yes? probably? just really bad cramping? oh fabulous.  I will make sure to schedule that for summer vacation.  with a new doctor who i don’t know.  why not have one more person all up in my shit? 

 

All I knew was that I had to get out of there.  Stat.  I got dressed SLOWLY.  I reluctantly picked up the forms for blood work and the hospital test.  I looked at them, thinking that this is how some of my students feel when i give them things written in Spanish and they don’t know what it means.  A foreign language of words and acronyms that I don’t know, but that I am terrified that I am going to learn about real quickly.  The dr was in the hall outside of my room, finishing up some stuff on a computer.  I hurried by to avoid further conversation. 

 

I checked out quick.  “Have a great summer,” the secretary happily chirped at me.  “Oh I’ll probably be in again before the summer is over,” I thought wryly to myself.  Rushing through the waiting room.  My eyes were burning.  I was crying before i hit the hot, humid air.  Do not do this before you are in your car.  Collapsing into the car, tears streaming down my face, sitting with my head back, thoughts whirling, what if, what if, what if.  Realizing people might see me, this is a busy lot, the windows to the building are right in front of me, I wonder where those windows even go….The drive home, wiping tears from my eyes, trying to get myself composed, pulling in the driveway dry-eyed and resolved to tell Eric what was in store for us, hurry and get ready to go run, to get on with my life, to pretend like this isn’t happening, even if it’s just one night of normalcy, of nothing being wrong with me.  Yes.  A run will make it better.  But then hearing Eric, asking me what’s up from another room, and not even being able to answer, just crying and rushing to let him hold me, not even sure why I am this upset because I knew.  I knew all along that this is where it was headed. 

 

I don’t know why I am so upset about this.  I knew.  But maybe I didn’t accept it and now I have to.  Let the uncomfortable tests and infertility treatments start.

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revelations

22 Jun

So today I was running the 0 SPF half marathon preview run.  When my alarm went off this morning, I reset the alarm for the last possible moment.  It went off the second time, and I seriously thought about skipping the run.  But I felt like I had to go, so I got up and got ready.

 

As soon as we started running, I could tell I was not going to be moving well.  Around mile 1, I almost wiped out, twisting my ankle in the process.  Carry on. 

 

I slowed down.  I decided to hang back with one other runner.  We were running separately for much of the run (I was just ahead of him), but it was comforting to know he was there.  We walked most of the uphills, cruised through the downs and flatter sections, and I finally had a chance to really take in and enjoy the course.

 

And I realized this morning, as I was cruising through, 2 very important things regarding running/trails/me.

 

1.  For me, trail running is more about the sensory experiences.  The sights–all of the different greens, the beautiful creeks, flowers.  The smells–there was a section leading up to woodcliff that smelled SO good–full of flowers or something.  The touch–feeling a pine tree branch scrape across my arm, my feet slip in the mud.  The sounds–birds, animals rustling in the bushes, my breathing and footsteps.  I feel like so often I am rushing and hurrying to get through a trail run, and I don’t stop to smell the proverbial roses.  And I am missing out.  I don’t want to miss out anymore.  I’ve run some parks/routes several times now, but I don’t feel like I know them because I’m always hurrying too much to pay attention to where we are and where we’re going.  So this summer, I really want to go out to some parks and just investigate and learn.

 

2.  I think I’m at a point in my trail running where I was with my road running back in the day.  I felt like I couldn’t ever get faster, like I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep doing it, like I wanted to just be on my own mostly to suffer through it and figure it out for myself before I could share it with others.  I got faster on the roads (much), I mostly like it and I almost always run with someone nowadays.  So I think maybe I need to embrace that trail running is something I am still learning and still working on becoming better at.  Not that I am perfect or a pro at road running.  But I definitely am more proficient than on the trails…

 

So yeah.  That’s what I was musing over when I was running today.

 

My knee is on fire tonight.  I’m icing and just popped some ibuprofin.  Here’s hoping it’s better this week!

patience

6 Jun

“Patience is a virtue.”  It was a phrase I heard frequently as a kid.  My mom used to say it all the time–whenever she was frustrated with something or someone.  I don’t think I really understood it for a long time. 

 

But now that I’m older, I get it.  And I really get it because I am impatient.  I hate waiting for things.  Lines annoy me.  Being put on hold annoys me.  Waiting for results annoys me.  Waiting rooms annoy me.  Dealing with other peoples’ BS annoys me.  I don’t know how I have so much patience with students, because pretty much every other facet of my life, I have little patience.

 

A week and a half ago, I decided I was going to do P90X workouts.  I say I’m going to commit to strength training, I do for a couple of weeks at best, then I give it up.  I say it’s because of a lack of time, but in reality it’s because I don’t particularly enjoy it.  I would rather do other things (like sit around and watch TV).  And I don’t want to bulk up.  I tend to be very muscular, and I build muscle quickly.  So I have traditionally avoided strength training.  However, I know it keeps me healthier as a runner.  It makes me faster as a runner (I don’t really understand how it’s possible, but it does).  I know muscle burns more calories.  And I know lifting more reps builds lean muscle. 

 

So a week and a half ago, I planned it all out, wrote it all down for the next 2 months, leading up to a hopefully huge 5k PR.  I scheduled my runs AND my strength workouts.  If it’s written down, I thought, I will do it.  So I have one leg/back workout and one arm/shoulder workout a week, plus 2 days of Ab Ripper X (serious ab workout), plus 3-4 days of running (1-2 easy runs, 1 speedwork day and 1 long run for a total of 25-30 miles a week).  And occassionally a “Core Synergistics” workout in there, too (basically a full body strength workout).

 

But after a week and a half, I want to see results.  And I don’t right now.  And that’s annoying and makes me impatient.  I KNOW it takes a long time to see results.  And I KNOW thateven if I don’t see them, I am still reaping the benefits of these workouts in other ways.  But I want results.  And I am impatient.  *sigh*

 

So my goal is now to stick with this plan for the whole 2 months.  Then I can evaluate how well it worked.  Last night, while running through Tryon (a pretty tough park elevation-wise), I was complaining about how my legs hurt so badly and Eric reminded me that I was working for a 5K PR…and a J-Lo booty.  So those are my motivators right now–PR and great ass. 

New running goals

3 Jun

It’s been one week since I ran the marathon.  I feel like it’s been a month.  I got up this morning and ran 5.5 long, hard miles on the 0 SPF course.  It was brutal–major hills and major humidity.  But Lisa was there, and we had some good conversations, I also got to run with some other trail people who I love, and I ran for over and hour and I felt good knowing I had done it. 

 

The problem with a huge goal like a marathon is that once it’s over, you feel like life is meaningless.  It’s a real thing–the depression that happens post-race.  I’m not depressed at all.  But I do feel lazy and like I’m lacking a focus.  The school year is winding down, and that’s only increasing my need to refocus my life. 

 

So I needed a new running goal.  Or a few.  Nothing crazy.  I’d love to run another marathon, but they’re too expensive.  [Interestingly, I have no problem in my head this time around picturing another marathon or even ultra.  I was kind of sad that I didn’t run a little bit faster last weekend, but looking back, I’m glad that I felt so good and had such a great experience this time around because I have NO qualms about saying that I will run another marathon some day.]  I can’t justify spending another 70 bucks on a race this soon after [races need to be cheaper–wtf with $100+ races??], and there are some other personal goals that I’ve set that will make a marathon a little impractical.  PLUS, I think there’s something to be said for switching it up a little, having some fun with running, finding some other things to focus on other than “going the distance.” 

Last fall, with NO specific training, after a summer of “fun” runs and long, slow trails, I ran a HUGE 5k PR.  24:30.  When I first started running, I was convinced I’d never run faster than a 10 minute mile.  There are certain points in my running “career” that are turning points, and that day was one of them.  I never thought I could run that fast.  I learned that day that my body is capable of more than I give it credit for.

 

SO…my new goal is to run a faster 5k time.  I think my target race will be the Jungle Jog–it runs through Seneca Park (one of my FAVORITE places to run in Rochester), and you get free entry into the zoo with your race entry fee.  Perfecto.  Oh and it’s a downhill finish.  And I’m a pretty stellar downhill runner. 

 

To reach this goal, I will be doing p90x 2-3 times a week.  Basically, I’m following the “lean” plan when it comes to the strength training.  Mondays will be my legs and back day, Wednesdays my upper body day, and Ab Ripper X will be on both those days as well.  Tuesdays will be an easy run, Thursdays will be speedwork, and Saturdays will be long runs.  My neighbor has registered for her first half, and I’ve promised to run some long runs with her, so I may switch some of the long runs to Sunday.  I should be running between 25 and 30 miles a week (maybe more some weeks).  Combine that with the strength training, and I should be good to go. 

 

So new focus.  That will take me to the end of July.  At which point, I will find a new goal or two.  Or be in a place where I’m ok having “no goal” as my new goal.  🙂